I just read a blog titled “The 10 Guys Every Girl ShouldDate Before Getting Married”,
and it made me think.
Now, am I ready to get married? No way jose. I have, however, dated my fair share of men, most
are memorable and can be fitted into more accurate and defined groups. So in
a quest for specificity, please enjoy my list of men you should not date a second time:
The Guy with whom you
have nothing in common
In an effort to make myself feel less heinous, after I had
my heartbroken the second time, I was cruising the ads of Craigslist for people
looking for love. Day after day I would
scour that site thinking “well, at least I’m not as pathetic as these
assholes”. And then one day, I happened
across a short ad from a guy who made jokes about how much he loved his grandma
and had a cute pic attached. Having hit
rock bottom, I figured life couldn’t get much worse, so I replied to his ad. Our first “date” was at 7am – we met and walked
around the zoo. We dated for nine
months, but we 100% had nothing in common.
I didn’t like his friends. He
didn’t like mine. He worked in a
bank. He was Republican. He was ultra conservative. His idea of a perfect evening was a formal
gala following a fancy 5 star restaurant.
Mine was pjs, popcorn and a video.
He came to see my shows, but hated them.
I went to his black tie events and was miserable. The only thing we had in common was that we
both were heartbroken and we (for whatever reason) liked each other. He didn’t mind when I wept for no reason –
which was all the time. And I didn’t
mind that he never wanted to talk about his feelings – which was all the time. Our “break-up” was the most anti-climatic
I’ve ever had. It was over the phone and
we mutually agreed that there was no point to continue. I mailed him the DVDs that were left at my
apartment. I wish him well. I check in with him on facebook, he sent me a
happy birthday message this year.
The Divorced Guy
I have dated this guy twice.
The more recent was a guy I met off OK Cupid. I don’t even remember his name, because I
only ever referred to him as “the Divorced guy”. He was nice.
He fixed my tv. He liked my dog. But he was so angry at his ex, that
there was no way we would ever have worked.
And he was a blonde. Too many
strikes against him for success. Because
he had been married for eight years, he was used to being part of a pair. He missed it, so he was hoping I’d fill that
void immediately. He called me “dear” and
referred to himself as “dad” when talking to my dog. He was sad and heartbroken. It was nice
to date a man who knows what he wants even if he isn’t going to find it with
me.
The other divorcee I dated was years ago – we met doing a
show together and in our intros as a cast he spoke of his ex wife openly. He wasn’t my type (he was 5’3” – I am almost
5’9”) but there was something so interesting about him. In the divorce – over a year before – his
wife got “everything”. He lived in a
cute one bedroom apartment, but he never bought any furniture. He slept on a futon. A grown ass man slept on a futon. He didn’t own sheets or a real pillow or a
table or a desk. He had a futon and
everything else sat either on the kitchen counter or on the ground. I slowly helped him/forced him to buy some
furniture. I helped him put it
together. It was after a month of dating
that I first heard of his daughter. His
eleven year old daughter. I asked him
why I hadn’t heard of her before and his reaction was “oh, I didn’t think you’d
go out with me if you knew I had a kid”.
You are correct sir.
Faretheewell.
He did not take our break-up well.
The Creepy “I love
you even though we just met” Guy
When I lived in Chicago, I dated a guy who I immediately
after meeting began referring to as “Creepy Craig”. He was handsome in an untraditional way,
covered in tattoos, used to have a dozen piercings, super intense and very
direct. He came to a party at my
apartment with a friend of mine and ended up staying almost the whole
night. We talked and laughed and
drank. In the months we were together,
we never even got past kissing, but from the first night we hung out he told me
over and over how perfect I was. How I
was everything he wanted. How wonderful
we could be together. It was nice at
first – charming, captivating. But how
could I ever live up to being “perfect”?
When you create an image of someone without truly knowing them, you are
bound to be disappointed. He dumped me
at the Laundromat. I was pulling a
handful of my underpants out of the dryer and he said “I met someone else and
I’d rather pursue things with her.” And that was that. He called a month later saying that it hadn’t
worked out and would I want to give things another go. Sorry I’m gonna have to pass. We’re still
friends on facebook. He’s married
now.
The Gay Guy who
thinks/wants to be straight
Ohmygod I have dated this guy several times. One of my dear friends is gay – and told me
once that I should take it as a compliment when a not wanting to be gay guy
wants to date me. I’m attractive but not
too attractive. I’m smart and funny, but
don’t have to call attention to myself.
And I’m busy, so I won’t need constant attention. These men all have their reasons for doing
what they do. In college these guys were
confused and scared, in rural no where’sville mid-west, being Gay is hard. It’s hard everywhere, but now coming out is
so much easier than it was 15 years ago.
But now? I dated a guy long
distance that I met while living in Florida.
He lived in Seattle. He was
amazing. So smart, charming, funny – he
liked all the things I liked, he had a real job, he sent me tiny presents, he
called me everyday. After a visit of his
to see me, it became very clear that this guy was gay and was really REALLY
determined to live a straight lifestyle.
I feel terrible for him, because how can you be happy when you are
constantly at odds with who you are?
After the disastrous visit our calls became more infrequent and then
petered out almost entirely. On the last
call I was telling him how stressed I was about money and life and he
proposed. I played it off like a joke,
but I know he meant it. He wanted us to
get married so he could take care of me (which is very sweet), but how perfect
for him to have a lovely wife far far away that he could brag about but not
ever have to touch? No thank you. We are
still friends on facebook. He’s getting
married. To a woman. Poor dear.
The Liar
I briefly dated a guy from OK Cupid – who I now refer to as
Nameless Nick. Nameless Nick seemed great – funny, handsome, charming, he was a
doctor and owned his own apartment. He
paid for all our dates, he liked dogs.
He was great. But he was also a
liar. I call him Nameless Nick because I
never learned his last name. He actively
kept it from me. I am now certain that
he didn’t tell me because everything he told me was a lie. Or he was
married. Either way – gross. When he disappeared off the face of the
earth, I was upset for a day before reality kicked in and I got my head on
straight.
The Baby Man
We all know this guy.
This is the guy who parades about in grown up clothing but who never
grew up. I have dated this guy too many
times to pick just one to base a story on.
This is the guy who will be late all the time. He will forget everything you tell him
because he’s too selfish to remember anything that doesn’t directly affect his
life. He will need help doing laundry. He will pretend he’s sick when you ask him
to do something that he doesn’t want to do.
He will stay inside for days playing a video game. He will agree to things he has no intent at
following thru on just to make you happy in the moment, and then he will bail
when he realizes you expect him to hold up to his end of an agreement. This is the guy who will expect you to fawn
over their family, but will have no interest in even meeting yours. This guy might be fun. He is a spur of the moment spontaneous type
of man, but if you are hoping for anything long term? Run for the hills.
The “You’ll Do” Guy
I’ve had a couple “you’ll do’s” in my time. This is the guy that has so many strikes
against him you just keep turning a blind eye because you’re so lonely, or sad
or over going to wedding after wedding on your own. When I lived in Florida I went on bad first
date after worse first date after hideous first date and eventually just got
sad and gave up. I met a guy on my
kickball team, who was so smart. So funny.
So kind. He was friends with some
of my friends. He had goals. He was close to his family. And he was really into me. On paper he would be a perfect partner. In reality, I just never got excited about
kissing him. Ever. I would have drink
after drink on our dates to see if I could make a spark appear, and sadly, it
never did. Now, did I acknowledge this
and end things? No, of course not. I
liked spending time with him. He was
awesome. But he’d never get out of the
friend circuit and I never told him that.
Super shitty of me, but everyone once in a while I think we’re entitled
to keeping someone around us for the sole purpose of making us feel better
about ourselves.
The Asshole
This title can be assigned to so many. Most notably, this
title is gifted to my ex who told me he loved me, wanted a life with me, told
me I was what he had waited his whole life for, and then dumped me in a
text. A week before my 30th
birthday. An hour before meeting my
parents. I never heard from him
again. Ever.
The Pretty Guy
I once dated a guy that when my mom met him, she said “oh,
you can’t date him. He’s too pretty for
you.” At the time I interpreted that as
an insult – which now I realize it wasn’t meant to be. My mom simply meant that he cared too much
about his looks to ever really care about me.
She was right. That guy was an
Adonis. He had the best body I think I
will ever see in real life. He was kind
and thoughtful and ran at my pace when we’d jog together. Smart? Not really, but he was so good
looking. That guy also spent more money
on highlights than I do for my cut/color/blow-out combined. He dumped me in a text and then tried to high
five me when we saw each other next. Do
not date this guy ladies. He is too
attractive to have ever learned humility.
Each of these men taught me something different. Showed me what I want in a partner, what I
need, what I can tolerate and what I can’t.
I am thankful for each of these guys.
Mostly though, I’m thankful that I don’t have to date them anymore.
