I had another first this week. Another first of something I would have sworn
up and down would never happen – could never happen – was physically
impossible, but non the less, happened.
I feel asleep on the subway. Standing up. I wasn’t even leaning against the door or the
wall or the pole. I was holding one of
the hand rails above my head and fell asleep on my feet. What am I, a horse?
I have spent most of my adult life being tired. Not just weary – but exhausted to the
core. My mother is convinced I have a
sleep disorder, and I may, but my tiredness comes from burning the candle at
both ends. Trying to live the life of a “normal”
person with a 9-6 job is taxing on everyone.
The daily grind, the rush hour commutes, the crabby phone calls, the
constant emails, the never ending to-do list – and all for things that you may
or may not care at all about but are 100% necessary to keep the business that
pays your bills on its feet. Add onto
that a full time job of promoting myself as a performer; the rehearsals, the
classes, the late night jams, the constant feeling of “you’re just not doing
enough to better yourself creatively or push your career”, and I am spent.
And while this is the life that I chose, that I continue to
chose everyday, I still allow myself to occasionally wallow in the hardship of
it all. I so envy my friends who work
only one job. My friends who have
financial stability or those who live in complete ignorance and/or denial of
their debt make me so jealous. I wish I
could stop for a week – just focus on one thing without the constant fear of
poverty or health catastrophe, but alas, I am from Michigan and cannot. It has been ingrained in me to worry – and I’m
not even Catholic. Jesus, that would
compound the issue even more.
I went on a blind date a few years ago and in an effort to
get to know me the guy asked what I did for fun. I thought about it for a minute and then
without hesitancy replied “take naps”.
We did not go out again. But I
think “what do you do for fun” is a question looking for the thing you do to
refresh – recharge – make yourself feel better, and quite honestly, so yeah,
for fun? I take naps.
Sadly, my life has not had much room for fun having this week – hence my Mr. Ed sleeps on the 7.
