Stress

I find that living in NYC makes my anxiety level rise exponentially. Everything here just seems so dire.

Oh my God – I have to get up this escalator right now – I can’t believe you’re standing still on the left side of it! Can’t you see we’re all trying to get around you!?!

OhmahGod I have to get on this very full bus immediately, I can’t believe you don’t already have your MTA card out and in hand! 

What do you mean you only take cash?! 

It’s raining, and my umbrella isn’t golf sized!?!?    

It’s three o’clock in the afternoon on a Sunday,  I’m trying to take a nap and my neighbor is playing loud music?!?!   

Wtf?! The deli ran out of plastic forks?! 

Woe is me.

I’m going to be moving this summer, and while on its own, moving is incredibly stressful – moving in New York City?

World-ending-stressful.  

Two of my dearest friends in the city live near me but both of them are leaving NYC this summer.  One to LA and the other to Chicago; I don’t blame them, but I hate that they’re leaving me.   Because they won’t be nearby anymore, I’ll be changing neighborhoods, so I can live near other friends who welcome the chance to lay on the floor watching trashy tv and eating too much.   I have been planning to move into my own apartment, but sadly, now that I look at my budget, that seems less and less wise.   Additionally I’ll be travelling a lot this summer and worry about the actual schedule of moving. 

Being realistic is also incredibly stressful.  Why can’t I live in idiots-ville and just find an apartment that I like and assume that I’ll be able to find the money I need when it comes time to pay rent? 

Sigh.

If there was ever a time when I wished someone else would make decisions for me – it would be moving season.  Pick my perfect new apartment that fits inside my budget AND doesn’t require a broker fee.  Just get her done.

Mother's Day

The older I get, the more often I realize that my Mother is usually right.  

Now, I’m not talking about my hair-style (which she thinks is too long), or where I live (she’d rather I settle down in no-where’s-ville America – or in the basement at home), or what I do for a living (she cannot understand why I don’t want to be a teacher).  I am talking about the seemingly trivial life-bits that help you figure out how to behave like a decent human being.

One of the first things she said that I remember remembering was “girls who start early, end early.”  Now, this could mean a million things – and in the age of Teen Mom I, II and III – it seems even more poignant.  I meet people now who talk about their high school years as the best in their life, and I feel sorry for them.  Like most of America, high school kind of sucked for me.  And I was well liked.  But the start-early end-early concept (which I will admit I use as a joke more often than not) has its point. 

So, now that I’m 32, with some of my mother’s advice peppered in, here is what I know:

• There are kitchen gadgets in Bed, Bath and Beyond that are sold solely to make people feel inept when they aren’t used or understood.  It is okay not to buy them and own only one pan. 
• Katherine McFee is one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood, but also the most lifeless, boring and uninteresting.
• There are women on this earth who are naturally skinny and there are women on this earth who are not.  Figuring out which one you, and not beating yourself up over it will make life a lot easier.
• Eating cereal for dinner is sometimes the better option to cooking a full out meal.  Especially if you’re eating alone.
• The hair-dresser who took it upon herself to wax my eyebrows without my consent when I was 16 changed my life.
• Everyone should attend sleep away camp.
• Making your bed in the morning brings peace into your life in unexpected ways.
• Friends who will eat an entire pint of ice cream or several tubes of Pringles with you without judgment are the best kinds of friends to have.
• There is no such thing as too much face cream.
• Holding a grudge is equal parts satisfying and harmful.
• Not getting enough sleep makes everything harder and more irritating.
• Seeing a dead turtle in the road is one of the saddest things in the world.
• If a guy writes on his dating profile that “he only dates petite girls”, “is fanatical about manicured eyebrows” or has more than one photo of himself making the pouty face – run.
• No one enjoys doing the dishes, cleaning the toilet or taking out trash – they still have to get done.
• Eventually we all start coughing, sneezing and farting like our parents.  Try not to be surprised. 
• Eating grapes before a big work-out is a bad idea.
• Always RSVP, send thank you notes, show up on time and carry a granola bar in your purse.

Happy Mother’s Day. 

Late Lent

For the month of April I had, what my friends were calling “a late Lent”.  I took the month off from alcohol and online dating. 

I have had a profile on OK Cupid for almost a year, and found myself getting really frustrated with the quality – or lack thereof – of men that were reaching out to me.  So instead of being that surly spiteful hag to the few who might not have been the worst version of man, I decided to disable my profile for 36 days and reevaluate.  So I did.

So, on my second day of being 32 years old, I reactivated my account.

I realize that I’m probably in the minority here, but I try to be as truthful as possible on my profile.  I don’t have any pictures of myself posted that are more than 2 years old.  My main picture was taken at my birthday party, and I selected “average to athletic” as my body type.  I am honest about how tall I am, and I purposefully chose a lot of nerdy references and silly faced-photos to reflect my sense of humor and grandma-ness.  I suppose this is why I haven’t been overwhelmed with handsome eligible messages, but I’d rather wait it out for the guy who will match my style. 

Of course, I say that now, but how long is a realistic wait time? My very last non-New York single friend is getting married next weekend, and while I’m so happy for her – this will mark the 19^th wedding I’ve attended minus a plus one, in the past five years.  Going with my parents does not count as a date – let me just be clear on that.

I refuse to lower my standards solely out of loneliness.  Last night I got a message from a guy and all it said was “graet smile”.  I went to his profile and he has not posted one single photo of himself. 

Seriously dude? F that.

I deleted his message and continued my perusal of other possible man-friends.  Within minutes of visiting his page I get a SECOND message from him saying he meant what he said in his first message and that he apologizes for his lack of pictures “it’s my work” – whatever the hell that means.

In the three plus years and various sites and various accounts of online dating, I have only rarely heard back from guys that I reached out to first.  I don’t know if this is because I have an unrealistic view of myself, or if the guys online who say they’re looking for someone their own age are liars, but the men who engage with me online usually fall into one of the following categories:

1. CRAZY
2. Over the age of 45
3. Married with children but looking for something on the side
4. Really dumb

*Disclaimer – I have met some reasonable and smart and mostly attractive men, great guys really, just not a good fit with me. 

I have to believe that there is someone out there who is normal and funny and smart and who is (at least most of the time) employed somewhere.  My friends in other cities all say that I’m still single because I live in New York and this place is so hard for single women – I’m not disagreeing with them at all – but I was single before I moved here too.  And before that.  And before that.

So here I am universe, asking that you head my plea, and lead me in the direction of finding someone to play scrabble with. 

I am just going to adopt a dog.  It will make things a lot easier.