Tinder

I'm dating again, and I just signed up for Tinder. 

It is the worst slash best dating invention of all time. In my estimation it is essentially the grinder for straight people. A friend calls it her pooping game. And that's exactly what it is - a game. A game I am certain to lose.

Tinder, for my mother's reference is a dating app.  If you see someone you like you swipe right on their profile.  If you don't like them - you swipe left.  If they have swiped right for you, you "match" and can start Tinder-texting.  It is genius and horrible. 

The men who use GGG in their limited profile or who have any other sexual references get an immediate swipe to the left from me. I realize that probably defeats the purpose of the App, but if I'm gonna risk getting syphilis from a one night stand, I sure as hell am not selecting him from a pool of shirtless men making duck faces at themselves in a mirror. Bad enough to know that those men exist and wake up next to one of them - way worse if you have pictorial proof with shady messages back and forth. No, thank you.

Tinder offers such an immediate gratification dating experience that it seems to be impossible to match with anyone you'd a) actually end up meeting in real time or b) finding someone with whom you have anything in common. It’s like a slot machine for questionably eligible bachelors.  You get five photos and a few sentences to sum up the details of "you". Most men just list their height- and all of them lie about it.

I find that I swipe right so rarely that it always surprises me when it happens. I made so many concessions in my last relationship that I have zero desire to start things off in my pretend dating world with someone who is able to offend or disgust or disinterest me in just five pictures and two sentences.

If I don't actually find you attractive in more than half your pictures? Left swipe.

If you don't smile showing teeth? I assume you don't have any teeth at all and swipe to the left.

If you have kids or a cat? Lefty left for you.

If you give off an aura of thinking you're better than everyone? Left.

If you look like you're gonna murder me in a parking lot. Left.

If you have crazy eyes or are short? Left.

If you have a misspelled word in your "bio"? Left.

Who remains then you ask? Sadly, only a few.

However, I have hope that somehow - someway - one of these remaining men will be interesting and together and an actual grown-up (no more baby men for me- those are the worst) and someone who won't kill me in my sleep. That will be really nice. 

In the interim I shall meet up for drinks with strangers and continue to compile my list of hilarious and awkward and uncomfortable stories to last a lifetime.