Doritos.

Dear kid eating Ranch-Doritos on the 7 train,

1. Chew with your mouth closed. 
2. Chew with your mouth CLOSED. 
3. Don't lick your fingers and then grab the pole for balance. 
4. Definitely don't lick your fingers after grabbing the pole for balance. 
5. If you cannot talk with your mouth full without spraying slobbery chip bits everywhere, mayhaps don't talk while eating. 
6. More over, chew with your mouth closed.

Many thanks.  

-Humanity